We need diversity in our lives because of human loneliness. We are all made to be in relationship with others. Notice that whenever we find ourselves in new place, we seek out new relationships. But just as we seem to be made to be in relationships, absence of them, as well as occasional alienation or estrangement, bring us to feel being cut off from others. Loneliness, therefore, is a part of being human. It has to do with needs of the human heart.
Our need to connect with others can be a source of creative energy that pushes us to create new avenues of communication, seek truth and learning and bring about justice in the world. Consider the last painting, work of art or novel that impressed you. The artist or author has successfully reached out to you to connect with your inner core.
But when loneliness deepens, it causes feelings of emptiness, anguish and inner agitation. It can cause a sense of a lack of meaning in your life. It causes an emptiness. It can bring alienation and despair. People who feel lonely also feel unwanted, unloved and even unlovable.
To connect and meaningfully relate to others involves a quest to reveal another’s beauty. It involves looking for and affirming their value. We do this by giving them time, attention and tenderness (says Jean Vanier in Becoming Human ISBN: 0809129006). It involves being totally present with others by being unquestionably open, gentle and affirming of their presence. We affirming others in the way we look at, listen to and care for them. It takes unconditional love. Because “when we reveal to people our belief in them, their hidden beauty rises to the surface where it may be more clearly seen by all.” (Vanier, p.23)
A line from the heroine in the old Gina Davis movie Angie is, “Everyone is a little broken. It is the task of those of us who are less broken to help those who are more broken.” So everyone of us carries within ourselves some sense of incompleteness. Because of our own inadequacies, we can not always be open and affirming to everyone we meet. But part of human maturity is mindfulness that we, ourselves, are a mixture of strength and weakness. It is to accept and love others for who they are, even in their difference – even in their weakness. Our strengths, weaknesses and diversity ideally should be recognized accepted and once they are, we feel a sense of belonging. In having a sense of belonging, we gain trust. With trust, we build community.
But being in true community is not a static or fixed state of relationships. If it were, community would be defined only as “This is the way WE do things around here. This is what WE think. WE’ve always done it this way before (the seven last words of a dying organization).
Instead, to build and maintain a sense of community, we need to do work. Work usually involves something that isn’t easy. The work involves facing our fears of unconformity. Facing our behaviors which exclude people because they are different. It takes our departure from the herd mentality of the status quo that quickly judges others for being different rather than celebrating their creative differences and the unique core of who they are.
Do you celebrate your own unique essential self? Who, in your life, has helped you come to love and accept yourself for just being who you are? Suppose you never had that someone else who has affirmed you for who you are?
Fear is what keeps us from diversity.
At the root of all prejudice, exclusion and bigotry is fear. We have a lot of illusions, says Vanier. We imagine ourselves as belonging to the US as opposed to the THEM. We seem to go through most of our lives judging as one thing or person or another being “better than.” We fool ourselves by imagining that we are some sort of “chosen people,” somehow better than others who are different than us. But it isn’t simple arrogance, I think. It is fear.
In a way, wee all are inwardly afraid that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, powerful enough or loved enough. Our of their own fears, people in our lives have taught us to think this. So we continue to deceive ourselves by thinking that if we judge others as “not as good as us,” we will somehow turn out to be “better” or “more worthy” than those who are different.
Not only does this exclusionary thinking and the accompanying judging behavior cause us to feel isolated from others – it causes others, with whom we could potentially have wonderful and growing relationships, to feel excluded. It causes them to feel lonely and devalued. And in excluding others, we end up alienating ourselves from the core of who we are . We were made to be in relationship so by excluding others, we cut are cutting ourselves off from the very nature of who we were made to be. “A person wrapped up in themselves makes for a pretty small package.”
How do we overcome our fears?
We do this through two equally important pieces of work as a community.
1. We work at creating trust among ourselves by engaging in open communication, characterized by acceptance of others in our community who are different from us.
2. We work at creating trust with those who are not in our immediate community by engaging in open communication, with the same characteristics, with those who are not yet brought into our immediate community. But this second piece of work takes more risk. This requires the more complex work of knowing and embracing our own inner selves for all that we are. For all our own strengths, weaknesses, overused preferences for the way we have always done things. Mindfulness of our own fears and inadequacies. All this is to say that we can’t fully accept others until we come to fully accept ourselves.
But this is the work of community. We can’t do this alone. If we can trust one another, we will be able to take risks with one another. We will be able to grow. As we take each other by the hand and step out, together, we can find mutual discoveries of the beauty each of us have. We can find that we all share an inner beauty and nobility that ultimately brings to us a sense of awe.
